Don't Call Me Squirt
by Misaki-Yo
Summary: Ed didn't care about being short. Until a certain Taisa began to tease him about it. Meanwhile, Al is trying desperately to save the kittens... (Not EdxRoy Pairing, more of a... comical Ed hate Roy pairing)
1. Bully's Best Friend

**Disclaimer: If I owned Full Metal Alchemist. I wouldn't be Funimation. Does that make sense at all?

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Edward was a very quiet fellow. He didn't like attracting attention too much. Maybe that's why he never grew to be tall. Sure, he claimed he hated being short, but perhaps that was the way the subconscious in his head managed to take over the physical being. After all, it is much easier to hide, to sneak around, to fit in tight places, to sneak into kids priced movies when you are so very small.

When Edward was younger, bullies thought he was a blast. It's much easier to pick on someone if they happened to be half your size. It made you feel bigger and the victim even smaller. Edward liked being small. Bullies liked being big. It's as if the two were made for each other. The relationship might have lasted through college and become a lifelong friendship, but the bullies were not smart enough to make the cut. There was a sad parting, and the shedding of many tears. The Bullies shed the most tears, as Edward did not care much if they parted. It was easier to be small and unnoticeable if no one recognized or talked to you.

Although, it was different when Mustang teased him about it. He would call Edward "Squirt". That always ticked Edward off. When it had been the Bullies, they only teased Edward because their self-confidence was dwindling. As in: "I stink and have no friends, but at least I'm taller than _this guy_."

Mustang was no Bully. He didn't stink and he had many friends. Although Edward just wasn't sure _why_ or_ how _he did. Roy wasn't always the nicest to people. Especially to Edward. Perhaps Roy didn't need the self-confidence boost that bullying gave. Roy was _already_ self-confident. Roy simply enjoyed watching Edward's veins pop out of his head. "I am taller than this boy, and therefore I am of more value, and of greater intelligence, and of course: much much better looking."

Edward never liked attracting attention. Until he realized he could steal it from Roy Mustang.

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**A/N: Author leaves note. Edward is used 11 times in this page. Once more if you count the last sentence.**

**R&R. You review, and you make me happy. Me happy makes Ed happy.**

Chapter Preview:

Edward stormed out of the open doorway, his head steaming. How dare he use that word! The sheer wickedness and vulgarity of using that word! Ed was seething. This was indeed one of the few times in Edward's life where he had wished he had not sworn off drinking milk.


	2. And Thus The Bomb Blows

**Disclaimer: FMA is MINE. STEAL IT AND DIE!**

**If any of you took me seriously on that, then please send a dollar to me as compensation for your stupidness. ****

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The double doors to a rather tall and foreboding looking military building busted wide open and took the trip to a full 180 half circle, promptly crashing into the very wall that held them up. Edward stormed out of the open doorway, his head steaming.**

How dare he use that word! The sheer wickedness and vulgarity of using that word! Ed was seething.

This was indeed one of the few times in Edward's life where he had wished he had not sworn off drinking milk. It had all been a part of a medical examination the government had wished to experiment on. What would happen if a baby of 3 months old were to stop consuming milk from animals? Soymilk did not count, for it is impossible to milk a soy-bean, and a bean is technically not an animal, no matter how many times it is tested otherwise in an incurably expensive technical scientific government experiment thing. The result was obviously, a very short baby. Alphonse was not included in the experiment; he seemed to like milk a great deal as a baby. But he was letting his mind wander again. The cause of his uprising was as usual, Colonel Roy Mustang.

The nerve of that man really ticked Edward off.

Edward had interacted with bullies all of his life. It was a rather odd feature of his personality, because his mom had never given him lunch money. For the bullies to steal that is. Bullies just needed some self-respect to grow from. Roy Mustang had mountains of self-respect, and still humored himself at other's expenses. Half an hour ago was just another one of those incidents…

Edward blanched as he realized a flash back was taking place.

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"How you doin' Shrimp?"

Ed flinched at the comparison to a petite sized seafood product.

"Just fine." He mustn't lose his head. He was above pathetic insults. Alphonse was grinning innocently at the other two in the room. It was as if he had nothing to worry his soul about. It's not like 'HE' was short. He was…

…so lucky.

The Colonel's tone turned serious as he proceeded to inform Ed that the proper way to liberate a city from a brainwashing monarchy was NOT to make statues move about and crash the local church head. Even if the church head was the one doing the brainwashing. Some members of the city now considered the military as people of the devil. Why would a peaceful god of the Sun, also known as Leto, have a need to grant statues the power to walk? There's no need to! Certainly the work of the devil. The military had nothing to do with the devil. Roy shifted his weight uncomfortably as he relayed the last sentence to Ed. Right?

Ed wasn't listening. He wasn't very skilled at hiding the fact that he was snoring either. Roy's face melted into a very lovely shade of red. The Colonel began to shout insults at Edward (also calling him very rude names indeed), who wasn't hearing any of it due to his being asleep.

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Then Ed realized that that had occurred yesterday, and he had stumbled unto the wrong flashback.

He had stopped his storming to sit near the edge of the fountain set outside the military headquarters in order to seethe more properly. It was too hard while walking. The water provided a striking contrast to the fire in Edward's eyes.

No wonder he had mixed the two up. They had been abnormally similar. That experience also started with the typical greeting the Colonel gave him...

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"How you doin' Shrimp?"

This was where it differed. Ed's mouth moved before he could stop it. The mouth that he could not control yelled that his name was not Shrimp, and that he was in no way related to something that people bought (and ate) at the local marketplace. And that he was not related to something that lived in the ocean either, so that make it doubly impossible for him to be related to a shrimp. Roy shrugged from behind his desk.

Just then Hawkeye popped in from a door adjoining the wall sitting behind the Colonel. She was carrying a plate, and murmuring to herself that she wasn't a waitress. She nodded a greeting to Ed before setting the plate in front of Roy and gave him a look that said: "Go out and buy your own lunch next time, you big moocher." It also repeated what she had been murmuring beforehand: "I'm not a waitress, so expect this again and I _will_ shoot you." Roy remained silent until she and the threat that came with her angry presence disappeared behind the closing door. Edward took note that Hawkeye was presumably the only human being who could silence Roy at a glance.

But with Riza gone, the Colonel began the inevitable speech on something else that Edward had done that had apparently placed the military in a very tight spot. Ed wasn't worried; he'd already had his fun. Roy would simply straighten the knots and wrinkles out of this little problem again, and he'd be revered even more than he is now. It was a win-win relationship. Except for the name-calling.

"Are you listening, Squirt?"

Ed's head pricked up from dozing off (he was learning how to sleep with his eyes closed) and glared daggers at the Colonel sitting before him. Alphonse would have reprimanded his older brother if he had been present, but he was off with Armstrong saving kittens from trees. The fire department didn't appear to be doing it fast enough. Plus Al was a sucker for kittens.

"What did you say?"

Roy wasn't even aware of the dangerous tone Ed was speaking in. "I-said-are-you-listening-Squirt?'" He pronounced each word slowly, to give Ed's small brain time to comprehend it. He thought he was being kind by stooping to Ed's level. Ed didn't think it was very funny though. Edward exploded.

And there was a great light, and Roy felt as if he were being lifted to heaven. His body left the desk chair as he rose into the air. He had achieved weightlessness!

Before crashing into the wall behind him.

He heard voices of the people most important to him calling out his name. There was a misty riverbank before him, and an old man that he recognized as his grandfather was on the other side. His Grandfather waved at him and yelled that he was not supposed to cross over yet and that he should turn around and return to the light. Roy halted. 'Aren't I supposed to stay away from the light?' He placed his hand over his chin to think. 'Oh well'. That reasoning always worked for him before. So he followed the light and before he even opened his eyes he could hear the voice of a very angry Edward.

"HE CALLED ME SQUIRT!"

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**A/N: Did you know that Edward is actually 5'5"? I suppose that might be tall in some countries…like Japan? (He is 5'3" if you don't count the antennae thingie that he has on his head.) More precisely, 165 centimeters total and 160 centimeters without the antennae.**

Preview: (Maybe?)

And why did it have to be 'Squirt'? Sure, he didn't care about Roy poking fun at his height and shrimp had been one of the more tasteful choices. Shrimp was expensive and tons of people like shrimp. However, Squirt was a _real _insult. Squirt is something one did when dousing someone else with water from a trick flower. How lame.

**A/A/N: (also known as: Another Author's Note -)**

**Um... Would anyone like to beta read? Please? If you don't want to, you don't have to feel guilty. Just review instead. Muahaha.**


	3. Body Casts Are Fun!

**A/N: Ed _is_ about 5'5"… but only when he wears his platform boots and includes his antennae. At least, that's what Ed claims! (Probably not though…) If anyone finds a reliable source for the correct height, I would be _very_ interested. My new beta reader and I have already spent a few minutes debating his actual height. That is, until we discovered that we were really sad people for doing so.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, I wouldn't have to debate Ed's height, now would I?****

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And why did it have to be 'Squirt'? Sure, Edward was mad about Roy poking fun at his height, but shrimp had been a one of the more tasteful choices. Shrimp was expensive and tons of people like shrimp. Squirt is something one did when dousing someone with water from a trick flower. How lame.

Edward was contemplating to himself and still emitting steam from his ears when Al returned from his 'Save the Kittens' mission. Even from a distance, the kitten-lover could see a cloud hanging over his brother's head. Al approached the fountain slowly; he didn't want to be a victim of one of his older brother's _moods_.

"Nii-san? Have you been anywhere near headquarters today?" Al wasn't able to furrow his brow, but he still appeared rather worried. He kept glancing at the structure behind them which proclaimed military influence.

"Yeah, so what?" Ed spat. Al began toying with his fingers, placing the tips of his fingers against each other. He looked back at the building again and started talking to his fingers. Ed had to lean forward to hear Al properly.

"Well, I was wondering if you were the cause of the Colonel being put in an ambulance to be taken to the hospital."

"What?" Ed leaped up from his sitting position and stood on the edge of the fountain, to give him a little more height. His head darted back and forth, eager to see Roy in a stretcher. "I can see it! They _are_ sticking him in an ambulance!" He pointed at the nurses and other emergency care people running in and out of the military building and started to laugh rather cruelly.

"HAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAA -_hic-_ AAHAHAHHAHA!"

"Er… nii-san?" Al warily moved toward Edward, but by this time, Ed was already rolling around on the fountain edge clutching his torso. His legs were flying in every direction and tears were beginning to stream from his eyes while he continued his malicious laughter at Roy's expense.

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Edward sneezed. It wasn't a loud sneeze, or a very large sneeze, but it had Alphonse upset either way.

"Maybe getting a cold will teach you a lesson."

Ed murmured. He didn't feel like arguing. He was too grumpy. The two brothers were walking through a hospital corridor. Ed hadn't been paying attention to where they were headed, so instead of finding Roy's new 'headquarters', he had gotten the both of them lost. Al didn't mind, he thought this would be a good time to lecture his brother about laughing at injured people.

"Maybe falling in the fountain is a sign telling you that you shouldn't poke fun at wounded people."

Yes it was so; Edward had been rolling around so quickly and uncontrollably during his malicious laughter that he had rolled straight into the water fountain. Immediately after the splash was heard, Ed's emotions had sizzled down. Ed sneezed again as they rounded the corner of the hospital hallway. Ed was positive the people who had designed the hospital had done it so that the visitors coming would get lost and not be able to find a way out. He was searching his pockets for a spare tissue or piece of unused paper when he happened to collide with a rather frantic looking young man.

"Sorry kid, I'm in a hurry." The young man didn't even look down. He moved Edward to one side, maneuvered around Al's large body and kept walking, until realization hit him. He turned back and after a pause apologized with his hand behind his head, embarrassment on his face. He had assumed it was a child, because Ed only came up to his chest. Ed turned red in the face, either from being called kid, or from fever finally setting in.

"Again, sorry about that." There was a hint of embarrassment in his voice.

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The group had resumed the task of walking down corridors with the young man leading in Al and Ed's direction. After the small confrontation, Edward had cooled down slightly. The young man happened to be their good friend Havoc, an underling of Mustang's. Havoc had decided to guide the brothers over to the Colonel's room; the two looked very prone to getting lost. As he ushered them around yet another corner, Havoc forgot why he had been in a hurry in the first place. He was too preoccupied with patting Edward on the head.

"Will you desist?" Edward growled. A vein on Ed's forehead was threatening to pop.

"You're so short." Havoc grinned.

Ed twitched and held back a sneeze. "I think we've already been through that."

"I know… but you're so short." Havoc cocked his head to one side. Maybe if he looked at Ed from a different angle, he wouldn't seem so short. Edward twitched again. Anyone watching him would think he had a tick in his shoulder or something. Havoc didn't notice. At least anyone with observations skills would think he had a tick in his shoulder.

"On the other hand, you're looking nice and tall today Alphonse." Havoc couldn't reach the top of Alphonse's head. Err… helmet.

"Um… T-thank you Havoc-san?" But Havoc wasn't paying attention to Al anymore. His gaze immediately strayed to a door they had just passed. A door filled with female nurses, all trying to fix their hats or adjust their leggings. He slowed down and continued looking backwards, until he ran into another person going the opposite way. Al and Ed were far ahead of Havoc by this time, and had to stop to wait for him. They didn't know which way to turn next.

Al looked cautiously to his nii-san, who had his arms crossed in deep thought. He hoped Ed wouldn't go on a Godzilla spree and squish everyone who had ever commented on his being short. Edward looked as if he was in the process of plotting a very evil plan, just to satisfy his hunger for Roy-hating and newfound Havoc-abhorring. Al remembered that Ed hadn't minded being short until after meeting with Colonel Mustang…

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They were finally there. If the three of them weren't in a hospital for sure, Alphonse would have been certain they had already crossed the country line and ended up in China.

"Are you sure this is his room?" Edward had his fingers on the end of his chin.

"Yes." Havoc stretched his arms over his head and yawned. He didn't seem in a hurry to go into Roy's room. Alphonse raised his arm to knock, but found that the door had come off its hinges. Edward had already kicked down the door and zoomed inside.

"I have to tell you something Colonel!" Edward was almost frothing at the mouth. He overlooked the fact that Roy and Riza had their mouths wide open in shock at Ed's sudden entrance. Riza was sitting in the chair accompanying the bedside and peeling an apple in one long strip. Roy was lying stiffly on the bed, mainly because he was in one enormous body cast.

"What do you want Full Metal shrimp?" Edward's passion was only revitalized by Roy's attempt at an insult.

"When I grow one inch taller, I'm going on a Godzilla spree and squishing everyone who ever commented on my being short!" Al wondered how Ed knew the exact situation that Al had been carefully trying to avoid.

"Nii-san… that's not very nice." Edward ignored poor Alphonse, who meekly entered the room from the empty doorway. Havoc followed obediently.

"And you'll be the first on my hit list, _Colonel Mustang_." Ed's death glare was rudely interrupted by another sneeze. It was hard to be intimidating when you had a cold.

"Should I be flattered?" Roy smirked. At least it looked like a smirk. It was difficult to tell with so many bandages covering his face. Edward's face puffed up. Why was it so _hard_ to insult this man? Maybe it'd be easier to kill him. Probably by drowning, then his flame alchemy would be rendered useless. Ed didn't even flinch at the thought of dumping a wounded man into a large shark tank. A man that _he _had wounded in the first place nonetheless. The body cast Roy was wearing was simply more insurance that he wouldn't be able to float to the top again. Perhaps after the drowning he'd squish the remains of the Colonel's body. The blissful look of happiness on Ed's face was beginning to freak out everyone else in the room.

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**A/N: I'm so happy! I'm in the double digits now for reviews (as in at least 10). Haha. It seems that all of you loved the comment about Al and the kitten-saving escapade. Which gave me an idea. I now have an actual plan for this here fanfic! How scary is that? **

**No chapter preview. I wonder if you'll actually miss it or not...?**

**(No, that doesn't mean it ends here. I hope. I'm the one writing this... so I should know, right?)**


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